It's Like a Robot, Apparently.

I have a feeling I'm going to forget to pick up my film at CVS.
Today I spent probably three or so hours sorting through footage of guys picking tomatoes and rearranging it. Welcome to the exciting and stimulating world of editing!
But in all seriousness, I do like it. It's all organizational. In fact I was so inspired last night I went back and re-organized all my clips and sequences for all my previous video projects.
Also, I would advise you to keep your eyes peeled for an upcoming YouShi! commercial, coming soon to a technical device that connects to the internet near you.
As an aside, ("I'm having a great time." -- to quote my dad.)
I think the key here is making plans. Such as, sometime this week I plan on making some shrinky-dink earrings. If you haven't ever used shrinky-dink stuff, you HAVE TO. It IS happiness.
I also plan on watching a movie. And making eggs with salsa and chips which I will no longer dare to call migas for fear of shaming myself in front of people who apparently make REAL migas.
I've started sleeping diagonally on my bed, I'm not sure why. But it's great! How wonderfully plentiful the possibilities are for sleeping positions.
Maybe this does have something to do with all the strange dreams I've been having. But then, I guess that's sort of normal for me. Sometime I think I might like to try to be hypnotized, because I think my subconscious has some things it desperately wants to say.
The most recent thing I can remember dream-wise is Brad Pitt and Matt Damon making out. And me just feeling way too close to the situation. The next most recent involves a masturbating caribou.
No, I'm not clever enough to make this up in my waking life.
HHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Find Your Power Animal, Inc.

Thanks a lot. Now I'm thinking about tattoos again.
I suppose it's not so bad. I could be thinking about crack or something instead.
But there are so many pictures and words, I'm not sure which one I'd want to be a part of me. Sometimes I wonder about closer, but I think it's good. If anything, it's good to decide on something for life. That's a huge fucking deal.
Thrilling. How exciting would it be to pick your life out from a number of different options and preferences and tastes and smells, like a fruit stand or configuring a mac. I feel like mine would be very clean. Actually my mac is very clean. It's like that.
I was thinking lately again about my power animal. I'm like that. Things like astrology and tarot cards really get me sometimes. But it's nothing serious. Don't worry. I'm not into crystal balls. BALLS
But when it comes down to it, there's a wolf and there's this mountain goat/ram thing. One sort of makes sense in general and the other sort of doesn't, but rather appeared out of some cloudy supernatural place I'm embarrassed sometimes to admit I have encased in my brain.
Ok, next time I use the word brain, I'm going to punch myself.
But the point is, I can't figure it out.

So which is it:



or




Hmmmm?

My Lips are Chapped but My Fingers are Not

Well, I feel at least something has changed. I like that.
I'm feeling more motivated than usual. I've made a few plans for the recent and upcoming futures, and I like the idea of them. And I think I'm going to do them.

They include, but do not stop at:
-learning how to use the fondue pot
-cooking meat
-painting that subjective cartography I've held onto for three years
-taking pictures
-admitting when I don't know something

I think for everyone's sanity, and in an attempt to make my blog more aesthetically pleasing, I'll try to post a picture or two. Everyone loves a picture. Aren't they so much easier to read?

I guess I didn't notice but I really have a flair for exploitation films.
Also, I'm very glad I finally have a die (that would be the singular form of dice...). It is everything I ever wanted it to be. The curse of my indecisiveness is ended.

I've suddenly found myself overcome with a desire to learn things. Anything. Everything. Do you realize how much stuff there is to know? And how everything you look at has a history and a chemistry to it? There is so much! I guess this is the reason documentary film interests me so much. I could decide to find out how gummi bears are made and make a whole damn film on it. Anything. I love that sort of endlessness. I still remember some of those short documentaries they would show in picture-picture on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Like the one about crayons. Especially the one about crayons. The melted, orange wax rippling like a creek. That's important.
Hm. I'm a little frustrated with my tone right now, and I wonder if it's apparent. I'll have to find better ways of talking.

Enjoy the obligatory picture.

Brains and the Usual, Strange, Watch Out!

Requiem for a Dream. I just realized how the title of my blog is similar...
I haven't been this shaken up by a movie in a very long time. I think somehow film can get in your brain so much more than any other medium. A very powerful thing. I guess you have to be careful.
Jesus I'm so glad there's no reason I would ever be addicted to heroin. Unless I guess if someone forced me to take it. But I'm not really sure that sort of situation would ever arise in my life. Holy shit.
I don't want to lose my brain! That's like everything. It's the only thing keeping you connected, like a thin thready umbilical cord. Who just doesn't care enough to keep that? Aren't they scared?
That is the only thing! After that's gone, you're just a sitting heap of skin.
I guess what happens is that stuff gets disconnected from what you're doing, you're just doing this thing. This thing, it makes you feel good. Good. Good Good good Good. What else can you do?
No, I want to keep my brain. I like it being clean and pink. Or yellow. Or whatever color normal brains are. Brain. Why do I always talk about brains? They are everything! This is my brain! I am my brain. Oh how my philosophy professor would be proud.
Ok I need to do something totally normal and human.
God I'm going to have nightmares tonight.

Parrot Fish Sleep in a Bubble of Mucus.

Damn. I should have written the rest about my trip while I still had the momentum. But this is how it goes. Now I feel like it's all old news and no longer of interest to my brain or worth the calories to move my fingers to type out or move my mouth to talk about.
BBBlaaah.
But maybe it'll just come up like anecdotes later and be more interesting that way, told in little niblets, not a four course meal where you're just too full to move.
Anyway I feel like the majority of what I got out of that trip isn't anything to do with what happened per se. So it's appropriate I suppose.
Mostly I just have some strange new emotions I don't think I've ever had before since I got back. Something interesting, new emotions. God how many are there? Too subtle a thing to number.
Re-reading that it sounds like I'm going through puberty or something. I'm really glad that's over.
I hate the word puberty, by the way.
But strangely enough, just as I felt that the world had gotten suddenly giant when I got to Germany, I feel like it has shrunk uncomfortably, coming back. Suddenly my favorite jeans are just a little too tight, this room a little too small, this chair a little too short. I want to stand up, stretch, run. And yet I don't feel like moving. I move my mind instead. Which doesn't really work, I think. I keep just coming up against brick walls. And it comes down to, I still don't know any more than I did last year or the year before or ten years ago. I'm still in this perpetual state of not knowing, trying to guess or "figure" or estimate. It's only times like these that it's paralyzing. Where have my decisions been coming from? How did I ever even make it to where I am without even knowing if I like chocolate or vanilla better? These things puzzle me.
But yes, blah blah, no one ever knows, we're all searching.... okay but doesn't everyone feel like their emotions are so much more powerful and meaningful than everyone else's? We live in our brains. And we're the only people who live there. So yes, they are more important. They are more powerful. They are us. So it does matter that I can't figure it out. Maybe you can't either, but hey now, what about meeeeeee
Whoever said solipsism is wrong? Isn't it good to be selfish in the best sense of the word?

The point was, I don't feel comfortable any more. Suddenly, home is gone, just like in Garden State, I can't tell you how scarily accurate that movie is sometimes. I just sort of wish, in my snobishness that it was something more obscure or directed by someone with a last name I can't pronounce. Ok, it's fine, I'll be mainstream. Shit!

Just Put It In Your Mouth

I didn't die anyways.
This is the last night in Berlin. I'm feeling a little bit too queasy to write something summing up the last few days... But maybe later.
Just a few highlights:
karaoke, expensive night clubs, indecent exposure, puking times 2, general coldness and snow.