Parrot Fish Sleep in a Bubble of Mucus.

Damn. I should have written the rest about my trip while I still had the momentum. But this is how it goes. Now I feel like it's all old news and no longer of interest to my brain or worth the calories to move my fingers to type out or move my mouth to talk about.
BBBlaaah.
But maybe it'll just come up like anecdotes later and be more interesting that way, told in little niblets, not a four course meal where you're just too full to move.
Anyway I feel like the majority of what I got out of that trip isn't anything to do with what happened per se. So it's appropriate I suppose.
Mostly I just have some strange new emotions I don't think I've ever had before since I got back. Something interesting, new emotions. God how many are there? Too subtle a thing to number.
Re-reading that it sounds like I'm going through puberty or something. I'm really glad that's over.
I hate the word puberty, by the way.
But strangely enough, just as I felt that the world had gotten suddenly giant when I got to Germany, I feel like it has shrunk uncomfortably, coming back. Suddenly my favorite jeans are just a little too tight, this room a little too small, this chair a little too short. I want to stand up, stretch, run. And yet I don't feel like moving. I move my mind instead. Which doesn't really work, I think. I keep just coming up against brick walls. And it comes down to, I still don't know any more than I did last year or the year before or ten years ago. I'm still in this perpetual state of not knowing, trying to guess or "figure" or estimate. It's only times like these that it's paralyzing. Where have my decisions been coming from? How did I ever even make it to where I am without even knowing if I like chocolate or vanilla better? These things puzzle me.
But yes, blah blah, no one ever knows, we're all searching.... okay but doesn't everyone feel like their emotions are so much more powerful and meaningful than everyone else's? We live in our brains. And we're the only people who live there. So yes, they are more important. They are more powerful. They are us. So it does matter that I can't figure it out. Maybe you can't either, but hey now, what about meeeeeee
Whoever said solipsism is wrong? Isn't it good to be selfish in the best sense of the word?

The point was, I don't feel comfortable any more. Suddenly, home is gone, just like in Garden State, I can't tell you how scarily accurate that movie is sometimes. I just sort of wish, in my snobishness that it was something more obscure or directed by someone with a last name I can't pronounce. Ok, it's fine, I'll be mainstream. Shit!