Requiem for a Dream. I just realized how the title of my blog is similar...
I haven't been this shaken up by a movie in a very long time. I think somehow film can get in your brain so much more than any other medium. A very powerful thing. I guess you have to be careful.
Jesus I'm so glad there's no reason I would ever be addicted to heroin. Unless I guess if someone forced me to take it. But I'm not really sure that sort of situation would ever arise in my life. Holy shit.
I don't want to lose my brain! That's like everything. It's the only thing keeping you connected, like a thin thready umbilical cord. Who just doesn't care enough to keep that? Aren't they scared?
That is the only thing! After that's gone, you're just a sitting heap of skin.
I guess what happens is that stuff gets disconnected from what you're doing, you're just doing this thing. This thing, it makes you feel good. Good. Good Good good Good. What else can you do?
No, I want to keep my brain. I like it being clean and pink. Or yellow. Or whatever color normal brains are. Brain. Why do I always talk about brains? They are everything! This is my brain! I am my brain. Oh how my philosophy professor would be proud.
Ok I need to do something totally normal and human.
God I'm going to have nightmares tonight.
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That falling falling falling away feeling, I don't know if I could deal with that and come out alright. Thats why drugs scare me, I like that awareness. I cling to my mucus lining!!!
It's like you've been living in a submarine all your life, except in that moment when you start to fall you realize that beyond those couple inches of submarine hull is the vast deep of the cold ocean floor.
The pressure, the space, the silence closing in on you and shrinking crushing you down into your own insignificance, melding and mashing you together with everything until you are a part of that big dark unknown. Floating, cold, into nothing.
I feel myself shiver as I gaze out of my porthole. I had a pretty nightmarish night on Saturday. It was a day when the glass in my porthole looked too clear, as if it really wasn't there and I was frozen in that brief moment before the powerful nothing of the ocean came rushing in to claim me.
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